Not My Best Friend

I often say to myself that I miss you because you were my best friend. Lately, myself has been saying, "No, he wasn't."

You were never there in the night when I was sad or lonely. You weren't there to carry the groceries in or take the trash out. You weren't there when my dad was dying; you were in a hotel room with HER.

We saw one -- ONE -- movie I wanted to see in the seven years we were together -- and ONE play, which you agreed to because it was set in a strip bar!

We ate only food you chose. We watched only was you liked on TV.

You were the king, and I was your faithful servant.

Why should I miss that?

K

Dear A,

                From the moment I met you, I was drawn to you and completely aware of you. Of course, the first awareness was something akin to hatred. You were an annoying kid who begged for attention like a pet begging for treats. I found you disgusting. Then, somehow, you wiggled your way into my group of friends. I heard that you liked me, and was a little surprised. I still hated you, but now I paid more attention to you. Then you were dating her, and I realized that I was jealous because you no longer paid attention to me. Looking back, I was just as disgusting as I thought you were.

                It was that jealousy that made me want you. Not because I actually liked you, but because you were the first guy to ever really pay attention to me. It is silly and shallow, but then I was a silly and shallow person. I treated you horribly and you treated me like a princess. I honestly never deserved you. I regret every time I broke up with you and went out with someone else and then expected you to take me back like I was the best thing to ever happen to you.

                It took me far too much time to realize that I loved you, but eventually that realization hit me. I decided that I was going to treat you like you deserved, like the best friend you had become. We had good times then. I remember playing battleship and fetch with your dog. I remember asking to drive your car and you always telling me no. Then, one day, we were sitting in a parking lot and you handed me the keys. Of course, I never actually drove. I just loved the fact that you trusted me enough to let me. Those little things made me happier than you will ever know, and I wish I had told you just how much it meant to me.

                I never really thought I deserve what happened next, but writing this letter makes me think that I probably did. You, like many other high school kids, decided to dabble in drugs. You would blow me off to hang out with other girls and get high. You would lie to me about things that didn’t really need to be lied about. I felt our relationship slipping away and it felt like a knife being slowly pushed in my gut. We broke up then, and despite efforts down the road, we never really clicked again.

                It took a long time for me to get over our relationship. Even now, I sometimes mourn the loss of my best friend. Something will happen and I will think to myself “Man, he sure would get a kick out of this.” Of course, those times are becoming more and more infrequent. It won’t be long before I never think those words again. I think that hurts more than the actual missing you.

                I suppose I only have one thing left to say. Thank you. Through the roller coaster of our love, you helped me grow. You made me happier than you ever got to know. I just hope that, at one point, I did the same for you. You were there when I cried, you made me laugh, and you showed me that young love can actually mean something. It is because of you, that I strive for that happiness I once felt.

                Thank you.

                Sincerely,
                Your Ex. 

 Please send letters to your ex to letterstomyex@hotmail.com

Dear C,

I'm not really sure what to you. There is a huge part of me that hates you and a very large part of me that still loves you. More of me hates you though. The thing that I want to tell you the most is that I won't forgive you for what you did to me. You screwed me up and broke me so badly that 6 years later I'm still trying to get over it. Hours upon hours of therapy and I'm getting there, but it is a slow and arduous process.

Aside from the abuse, I'm not sure you even know what you did that messed me up so badly. Well I'm going to tell you. You made me question my own worth. I wasn't good enough for you or to have your baby. So fuck you. You know what I've learned since then? I'm so much better than you. We would have had a horribly abusive white trash family had I stayed with you, and honestly, I don't want to live with your psycho-ass mother for the rest of my life.

The first time that you hurt me should have been the last. It's one of the only things from that time period that I remember very clearly. We were driving and you were so mad at me and we were fighting. You were so mad that you punched my dash board and then choked me. I was driving and we were in a construction zone; you could have killed us.

Over the next few months we fought and fought and fought. I stayed with you because I was 15 and thought that I was in love with you. Apparently I thought that love was supposed to hurt. Guess what, it's totally not.

Like I said, I will not forgive you. For a long time I said that I could never just blame you, but I can. It's your fault that you're a dick and the only thing I did was stay with you when I shouldn't have. I'm mad that I have PTSD from everything that happened between us. I can't do certain things without having flashbacks and feeling like I am in danger. Sometimes a guy will walk by wearing your cologne and it's everything I can do not to cry. I won't forgive you for it, I can't.

I would be fine if I never see you again, but we share the same friends so I know that I will. I'm fine with that, I've accepted that. But I can promise that when I do see you I won't talk to you and I most certainly won't talk about the our time together.

You can go die in a ditch, that would be fine. Oh and by the way, I lied, you are just like you father.

Love,

Your Ex

Dear Ex,

I hate you. I hate that you mean enough to me to waste an entire letter. 

I hate that after three years of your absence, your abandonment, your harassment, your riddles,and your abuse, I still give a shit. I hate that every time I mention you at all, I see pain in his eyes. I hate that I've let you infect his heart, make him doubt, ever, even for a moment.

I hate that even when I have truly and honestly let you go, your stupid updates make me think, make me wonder, make me want to comment.

I hate that you really are going to do this. You really are going to willingly invite this stupid joke of a nation to beat the last bit flame out of you. I hate you for giving away the last smidgeon of the you that I loved so you can shave your head, put on camouflage, sweat, bleed, and die, for a country who is too stupid to recognize the shitter as it's being flushed. Most of all, I hate that I worry. I hate that I pray for you, that you'll be safe, that you will find peace, that you will have your dreams.

I hate that letting you go doesn't make the love or the hurt go away. I hate that you have never seen me as I was, or what I wanted from you, and the moment you glimpsed it, you were afraid. I hate that you still know enough to cut me to the bone every time you need a scapegoat and I get in your way.

I hate that I feel guilty, for everything. for fucking it all up, for moving too soon, for giving up, for fighting, for the you that hates me.

I hate that I am terrified to hit the 'send' button because I don't know if you're reading but I know for sure he is, and I don't want him to hurt anymore. He doesn't deserve to hurt, or to wonder, or to listen to me mourn for someone who condemned our relationship because he made me happy.

I hate that I want to lash out at you, destroy you, save you, hug you, and inspire you all at once. I hate that you still manage to make me cry.

And mostly what I hate is that I hate you and I don't. Because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

And try as I might, working as hard as I can, I cannot for all I am worth manage to be indifferent.

I love him. I choose him. And still I am not indifferent.

Sincerely,

The One You Most Regret

Dear Ex,

                I feel as though the way I felt about you was misunderstood. You were just short of a princess full of class and elegance, you presence alone allured the gaze of all those around you. I however was not the same. I was naught but a pauper from the wrong side of the tracks; you walked around in designer clothing while I trudged around in baggy jeans and blank tees.   It was movie like the way we met, I was sitting in the terminal at KCI just returning from Brazil, you from Florida. It started with small talk while we waited for our rides. That turned in constant texting which brought a brand new and beautiful relationship to life.

I think the best word to describe it was inseparable, that untouchable power couple everyone else was envious of.  Then it went awry, that was a simple three letter word that ruined everything “sex”. You wanted to take our relationship to the next level, I didn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t see you as an attractive desirable lover. It’s because I was afraid of falling into a love that was real, that was just make believe for the sake of those around me.

This wasn’t a high school relationship this was a real function give-and-take relationship in the real world. I was afraid, whenever we were alone and you held your body close to mine, I was afraid.  I just didn’t know how not to feel things for you and I knew sex would seal the deal, at the point I would have done anything and everything for you. The thought of someone having that much power over me made me cringe. You grew tired of the constant rejection and gave me an ultimatum not expecting me to turn around and walk away.

I always hear people say things like “hind sight is 20/20” or “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”. Well I knew exactly what I had and fear let it slip away. I don’t regret having met nor the feelings we felt for each other, you made me strong enough to love another person, you made it possible for me to have the family I have today. For this I thank you, and for your friendship.

Sincerely,

The Best Thing To Ever Happen To You

This is a project that is open to the community, if you would like us to post a letter to your ex, please send it to letterstomyex@hotmail.com

Welcome to Letters to My Ex

Welcome to Letters to My Ex. I got the idea for this blog when I was writing a list of all the things I want to say to my exes. Some of them were loving and sweet, some of them were mean and hurtful; but I couldn't actually say them to any of my exes.

I want this to be a safe space to tell your exes all those things you wish that you could. I will post the letters for my exes as well as any letters that I receive from readers. I have a few rules for the letters, but other than that, please speak your mind.

• I will not post any letters that list too many identifying traits of the people involved. 
• Do not use your exes' names in the letter. If your ex is Jeremy, refer to him a J. 
• Do not use your real name. I'll change it before the letter is posted.

That's all. If I need to implement more rules, I will, but for now I think we'll be safe with these. Please send your letters to me, Your ex, at letterstomyex@hotmail.come.

Love always,
Your Ex.