Dear Ex,

I hate you. I hate that you mean enough to me to waste an entire letter. 

I hate that after three years of your absence, your abandonment, your harassment, your riddles,and your abuse, I still give a shit. I hate that every time I mention you at all, I see pain in his eyes. I hate that I've let you infect his heart, make him doubt, ever, even for a moment.

I hate that even when I have truly and honestly let you go, your stupid updates make me think, make me wonder, make me want to comment.

I hate that you really are going to do this. You really are going to willingly invite this stupid joke of a nation to beat the last bit flame out of you. I hate you for giving away the last smidgeon of the you that I loved so you can shave your head, put on camouflage, sweat, bleed, and die, for a country who is too stupid to recognize the shitter as it's being flushed. Most of all, I hate that I worry. I hate that I pray for you, that you'll be safe, that you will find peace, that you will have your dreams.

I hate that letting you go doesn't make the love or the hurt go away. I hate that you have never seen me as I was, or what I wanted from you, and the moment you glimpsed it, you were afraid. I hate that you still know enough to cut me to the bone every time you need a scapegoat and I get in your way.

I hate that I feel guilty, for everything. for fucking it all up, for moving too soon, for giving up, for fighting, for the you that hates me.

I hate that I am terrified to hit the 'send' button because I don't know if you're reading but I know for sure he is, and I don't want him to hurt anymore. He doesn't deserve to hurt, or to wonder, or to listen to me mourn for someone who condemned our relationship because he made me happy.

I hate that I want to lash out at you, destroy you, save you, hug you, and inspire you all at once. I hate that you still manage to make me cry.

And mostly what I hate is that I hate you and I don't. Because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

And try as I might, working as hard as I can, I cannot for all I am worth manage to be indifferent.

I love him. I choose him. And still I am not indifferent.

Sincerely,

The One You Most Regret