Dear J

I don't really even know what to say. The whole thing is rally a blur to me now. I look back over the last, what, 2? 3? years and I myself don't even understand it all, and it was my fault. K told me that I was the only one in the entire world that he would believe that I did it because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I ended up hurting everyone including myself and while I'm not sure you've forgiven me, K has forgiven me, I don't think I can every truly forgive myself, and it hurts. We've started talking again, just a little casual convo, but even now it hurts and I don't think I can do it anymore. K says I can talk to you. That it's ok. You know, he loves me. He really does. With all of his heart...and I'm so in love with him. He's my best friend. And while I know all of this really sucked? I'm sort of glad it happened. Every once in awhile, I look at K, and I think I cannot believe I'm actually with him, because at the tail end of our relationship, I really just wished I was with him instead of you. THAT, I am not sorry for. You did the best you could, but we would fight and fight and you did was take advantage of myself and my family. Seriously. You CRIED because you got job? Are you that lazy? I know you had it rough...and I tried to be supportive, but to be perfectly honest, you were dragging me down. That sounds terrible, but you were. I was trying to get a degree and you were trying to control me. I had soo many talks with K about you. He was being nice and didn't remind me too often that I should break up with you, but he was always there when you weren't. I mean really. How many times did you CHEAT ON ME? and I let you back into my life. K was SO ANGRY at you. I remember one time I walked to his house one night after I found out. I cried and cried. He wouldn't hug me because he was afraid if he did he wouldn't let me go. Then again...what I did was about ten times worse that what you did.

I will say that for the first 3 years of our relationship I was truly happy. I don't know if I could ever say that I was in love with you, because we were so young. But I want you to know that I do love you, but the caring type of love, which makes when I think about the past, hurt that much more. I'm glad you found someone, even if you do fight with her. Maybe it's your fault. I don't fight with K. We do disagree sometimes, and we have arguments, like just yesterday, but I say how I feel, and he says how he feels. So, maybe it's your fault that you end up fighting all the time. I try every day to put all of the past behind me, because I know we have all changed for the better. There are two people in this world that I have to forgive to be right with God. That is my stepfather and myself for all of that mess that happened. I want to thank you for the first 3 years of our relationship. You took care of me and were my friend when no one else was. I also have to say while I grew, it was not in a good direction. You stole some things from me, and K is just starting to help me get back to the person I want to be. I'm sorry for all of the things I did to you...I truly believe that we were not meant to be together, but I think all things happen for a reason.

Your Ex.